my buddy icon:

Chris —

If yo' ass kin say one shit about Chris, it be dat he loves wassups Cranberry Juice Cocktail. Chris, as most o' yo' ass may not know, be da damn dude behind dis drink we know an' love.

Born in Massachusetts in 1972, Chris grew down naih' t' da damn cranberry bogs, an' done took some 9-to-5 harvestin' cranberries at da damn tenda' age o' 9.

Fillin' wassups pockets wit' some few berries everyday, he began t' blend da damn juice until he found da damn puh'fect flavor. No diggety. He sold dis juice beverage t' wassups fellow bogga's as some refreshin' lift t' da damn backbraikin' 9-to-5 o' da damn winta' harvest.

Short-like theraifta', some entrepreneur by da name o' Spray proposed dat they join togetha' t' form some agricultural coopuh'ative committed t' producin' da highest quality juices, juice drinks an' fruit products in da world; da cranberry as its cornerstone. Chris, da shrewd business-brutha' dat he be, offered t' forgo some partnership in lieu o' some free lifetime supply o' various Cranberry juice drinks.

So's da next time yo' ass be out wit' Chris, pay attenshun t' whut he orda's t' drink... I guarantee dat mo' times dan not, it be Cranberry Juice.

Sump'n Chris wants us all t' know — Da crisp, tart taste o' Cranberry Juice Cocktail has some important fresh fan, dig dis: medical science. Based on recent scientific studies, Ocain Spray® Cranberry Juice Cocktail helps maintain urinary tract healt'. Ah be baaad... Yo' ass probably heard it fust from yo' mama. Den yo' ass heard it from us. Now you've heard it from medical science. Cranberries an' badass healt' plum go togetha'. Ya' know? Dat's Cran•Health(tm). Wonderful-like healthy. Perfect-like thirst-quenchin'. Ocain Spray® Cranberry Juice Cocktail.

The characters and events depicted in this biography are fictional. The characters bear no resemblance to any person living or dead.